5 Easy Ways of Becoming More Independent, Less Codependent

Relying on others to shape who we are is the basis of codependence. It is, in effect, creating our feelings and behaviors around something external, rather than figuring out for ourselves what our feelings and behaviors should be and how they should look.

“Independence is happiness.” Susan B. Anthony

Autonomy, or true independence, is the ability to make decisions based on what you have learned about the world, your experiences, perceptions, and feelings, and how you interact with the world. Independence is empowering. Codependence is stifling.

Here are five practical ways to become less codependent and grow your valuable independence:

1.  Get to know who you are inside.

There are so many approaches to do this. One is to begin journaling your thoughts and feelings about your daily activities. Then ask yourself, “Is that the truth?” and “Is that how I feel about it?” Many times, upon reflection, we find that we have simply been parroting someone else’s feelings or thoughts... and that what we truly felt didn’t even come into play. Once you realize this, you can change it!

2.  Take a deep look at your beliefs.

Again, ask yourself, “Are these my own beliefs?” Do your views represent how you truly feel? You may just be reaffirming what is familiar instead of what you think.

3.  Learn the art and skill of being assertive.

This is not something that comes naturally to most people, but it is a skill that women can learn and hone to perfection. There is a beautiful freedom in being capable of asserting yourself appropriately. Practicing assertiveness will go a long way towards being a more independent person.

4.  Stop second-guessing your decisions.

If we are used to being codependent, we decide based on how others will feel about the decision. When we develop our independence, there will be second-guessing our choices. This second-guessing is a bad habit that can be eliminated by replacing it with the sound, healthy practice of having confidence in your own decisions - that those decisions are the right decisions.

5.  Learn to put yourself first.

This is extremely difficult for anyone in a codependent relationship, as others’ needs always come first at our own expense. At first, this will feel unnatural and even “bad”. You will feel very guilty. That is a sign that it is an unhealthy habit. Realize that putting yourself first is not selfishness – it is taking care of yourself first to care more fully for yourself and others. When you are healthy and cared for, it gives you the power to send that energy rippling outwards.